7.21.2004
|9:10 pm|
I am writing very slowly because I am tired after the matches....
Sorry to Janice, for my fatigueness has hold back the whole competition, I really want to play a real match where I am fit to play, I am just too tired to move around the courts after the consecutive matches....
No one likes to lose and I HATE losing. And I lost it today, 21-4? That is the margin... Amazing for me until I could not believe it. Can't blame Eileen, she was already so nice to partner me when no one wants to. Losing to someone who I don't want to lose to is very demoralising.....
2 more big matches to go on next wednesday and I tell you, I am not confident of winning any of them and my worst dream will come true---------Ending without a trophy.... So sad, after 2 years of hardwork, yet without earning some fame which I wanted..
Quite sad to be a man, quite a failure, a failure in everything.... GP can't pass, Maths can fail, Napfa can fail, being kind also fail... This 2 years had gone down the drain?? I really wish it will never happen...
Sometimes, I was just wondering, have I made any friends where I can talk to, share joy with and share the pain with me.. and no matter how hard I tried to improve myself as a friend where people will come and talk to, it just didn't work. Sometimes I was just wondering why I was in school when people just apparently walk past me without even tried to notice my existence. Pain in the neck? I think I am. Fragile? Who say man cannot be fragile.. Even the strongest man will collapse one day, who I am? I am just an ordinary man who wish that people around me will not be so hostile to me.
Never until today, I realised that man do change and they can change beyond your imagination. They can say one thing while do the other thing, I was just shocked.. Maybe this is what you call the true society, people are generally killing one another so that they can be the better one... Those who believe in eternal love, I am sorry to say that this 2 words seem to have been erased from my dictionary. Like and being like should be a good thing, but in the end I was the one to bear the pain. Am I so irritating till that even you see me, I say hi to you, you can still be so cold to me... So painful, each of these experiences I will never forget, it should have been sweet memories, but eventually this has become my darkest memory which cannot be erased..
If I am really such an idiot who allows people to make fun of me, I might as well be alone. I don't like to be alone, but all the things that happen around me has forced me into isolating myself to the crowd. I can't talk well, I can't tell lame jokes or make you laugh but I am still a human who needs concern around me. I really want to be part of the laughter but not the target of being laughed... Say I am taking things too seriously but the situation is really getting out of hand... Maybe I will be better if I am alone, maybe I will just leave this place and find the place where I can be fitted into, maybe I am the pest which everyone hates, maybe....
[S]he [w]aited``
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